Ever have a moment where you think, “I just don’t want to talk about this anymore”?
Some people have this thought more than others. Sometimes “going quiet” is simply a mark of emotional maturity; a matter of recognizing when talking more is not necessarily going to make communication better.
But sometimes people go silent for other reasons.
Some reasons why people “go silent”
Interacting less with others or “going silent” is a behavioral reaction that is so subtle it can sometimes pass unnoticed for long periods of time.
Even when people notice that they have not talked with someone else for a while, or they see a friend who seems less chatty than usual, they may not attribute it to anything other than the other person being a little tired, or distracted, or busy.
There are certainly people who use silence and silent treatments as a form of passive-aggressive communication. By choosing to withhold information, these types of people often seek to control their relationships with others by controlling the amount of and depth of interpersonal contact.
But silence can also mean something else: It can mean that the person going quiet is exhibiting a “defensive psychological response.”
Going silent as a way to protect ourselves
Defensive psychological responses play out in individuals (and in interpersonal relationships) in a wide variety of ways.
One of the most common reasons why people withdraw into themselves is because of emotional overwhelm. When feelings of anger, sadness, or even futility or confusion become too overwhelming, people sometimes have to stop talking or even physically withdraw in order to calm themselves down.
More long-term challenges like generalized anxiety or frequent depression can also lead people to interact less with others. When experiencing depression or burnout, individuals frequently cite feeling “numb” and that they simply don’t have the energy to contact or speak with others.
In extreme cases, people might start to think that nothing they say ever makes a difference, or that nobody in their lives is listening to them anyway, so why bother talking? Psychologist Martin Seligman termed this response “learned helplessness,” and it can lead people to disengage from others or to stop trying to express their opinions or needs in any way.
One of the common themes in these defensive psychological responses is right there in the name: They work as a defense. Many times we retreat to these behaviors because they help make us feel safer.
But does going silent actually make us safer?
How withdrawing can hurt us (and others)
When people lose the desire to explain themselves or their beliefs or actions to others, they may start to interact less, and offer less of themselves, to others.
For a while, this might feel right. The person might feel that things in their life become less complicated, or that the less they tell people, the more protected and peaceful they themselves can feel.
Eventually, however, this protective behavior might begin to trouble the person practicing it. Neuroscientists suggest that when emotions are not expressed, or processed externally, “the brain continues to cycle them internally.”
When individuals try to make sense of emotions they continue to feel, without any outlet to share or express them with others, it can lead to an unhelpful internal feedback loop that drains their mental energy.
Understanding when someone is trying to hurt us, or may be hurt themselves
For years, we have referred to communication withdrawals and the absence of emotional involvement as giving (or receiving) the “silent treatment.”
Because many of us experienced somebody giving us the silent treatment when we were children or young adults, we may feel that they are almost always enacted as a way to hurt us or to control us.
While silent treatments can be used to intentionally hurt or control someone, especially by people with passive-aggressive communication styles, “going silent” can signal something different.
Many people who withdraw to emotionally protect themselves or a certain relationship are actually quite empathetic to others. They actually “understand others deeply” and would like to be understood in turn.
Sometimes we may need to interpret others’ silence as an invitation to help them feel heard.
Gently healing the silences around us
There are many ways to respond to a silent treatment that someone has used against you to hurt your feelings or control you. One of the most effective is to decide upon your own boundaries and needs and clearly communicate them to the other person. If the silent treatment hurts you, let the other person know that you value your mental health and happiness, and you will walk away unless healthier communication patterns emerge.
With a person who has gone silent to protect themselves, however, you may need to think about strategies before you reach out to them. Is this a relationship that you believe has value? Do you think a person’s withdrawal is their way of responding to their own anxiety or depression? Your answers to these questions will affect how you respond.
One tool you might want to utilize is more assertive communication. Let the person know (gently) that you have noticed a change in or the absence of their contact. Let them know you understand their silence can be a coping mechanism, and let them know you are available if there is something they want to discuss.
If possible, avoid adding more pressures to the relationship. Try not to offer ultimatums or demands that they interact on your schedule; instead, encourage them to contact you “when they feel ready.” You may even encourage them to consider counseling or other therapy to help them find a safe place in which to share their thoughts and feelings.
We can help each other to healthier communication styles
We live in a world of constant and distracting noise. It is not always easy to notice (or interpret, or understand) silence or withdrawal from our friends or family. But if we notice that people important to us tend to be sharing less, or talking less, it might be a sign that they are feeling overwhelmed by this noisy world or by other issues. Sometimes silent treatments are hurtful, and we have the right to respond to those in a way that preserves our health and happiness. But when people withdraw and become quiet because they’re overwhelmed? Then it might be our responsibility to help them feel both safe and heard. If we’re serious about wanting to have better relationships, we would do well to try and become better interpreters of silence
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